Myths and Domestic Abuse
There are many myths around domestic abuse and its causes. They’re dangerous as they make it harder for women to seek support and they look to excuse the abuser’s behaviour.
Myth 1: Alcohol and drugs make men more violent.
Reality: Alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, or be a catalyst for an attack, but they do not cause domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner, so it should never be used to excuse violent or controlling behaviour. The perpetrator alone is responsible for his actions.
Myth 2: If it was that bad, she’d leave.
Reality: Women stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, and it can be very difficult for a woman to leave an abusive partner – even if she wants to.
A woman may still be in love with her partner and believe him when he says he is sorry, and it won’t happen again. She may be frightened for her life or for the safety of her children if she leaves. Leaving can increase a women’s risk, she may feel safer staying. She may have no financial independence and have no where to go. Abusers often isolate their partners from family and friends to control them, making it even more difficult for an abused woman to leave the relationship.
Myth 3: Domestic abuse always involves physical violence.
Reality: Domestic abuse does not always include physical violence. The Scottish Government defines domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, by a partner or ex-partner. These incidents can include coercive control; psychological and/or emotional abuse; physical abuse; sexual abuse; financial abuse; harassment; stalking; and/or online or digital abuse.
Myth 4: He can be a good father even if he abuses his partner – the parents’ relationship doesn’t have to affect the children.
Reality: An estimated 90% of children whose mothers are abused witness the abuse. The effects are traumatic and long-lasting. When a child witnesses domestic abuse, this is child abuse. Between 40% and 70% of these children are also direct victims of the abuse which is happening at home.
Myth 5: She provoked him.
Reality: The myth is dangerous because any reference to ‘provocation’ means that we are blaming the woman and relieving the abuser of responsibility for his actions.
Abuse or violence of any kind is never the victim’s fault. Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator, and with him alone.
Myth 6: Domestic abuse is a private family matter, and not a social issue.
Reality: Domestic abuse happens every single day all over the world, and affects women of all ages, classes and backgrounds. It is a serious, widespread crime. When we describe domestic abuse as a ‘private family matter’, we minimise, condone and permit it. We ignore the psychological and physical impact on those who experience it.
Myth 7: Pornography is not linked to violence against women.
Reality: Most consumers of pornography are male, and pornographic material is becoming increasingly explicit, violent, and focused on male pleasure. It’s also freely available to anyone online, and studies indicate it is how many young people find out about sex.
Pornography contributes to a culture of misogyny, in which women and girls are abused by men for male pleasure. Women are harmed by pornography in two ways: directly, when they are used for the production of pornographic material; and indirectly, through the effects of mainstream availability and consumption of violent pornography.
Myth 8: Women are just as abusive as men.
Reality: In the vast majority of cases, domestic abuse is experienced by women and perpetrated by men. A woman is killed by her male partner or former partner every four days in the UK. In the year ending March 2019, the majority of defendants in domestic abuse-related prosecutions were men (92%), and the majority of victims were female (75%) (in 10% of cases the sex of the victim was not recorded) (ONS, 2019). It is a gendered crime which is deeply rooted in the societal inequality between women and men.
Women are more likely than men to experience multiple incidents of abuse, different types of domestic abuse, and sexual violence particularly.
Domestic abuse exists as part of the wider spectrum of violence against women and girls, which also includes different forms of family violence such as forced marriage, female genital mutilation and so-called “honour crimes” that are perpetrated primarily by family members.
Myth 9: Women often lie about abuse.
Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are extremely rare. The Crown Prosecution Service released the first ever study of this in 2013, and concluded that false allegations are even more infrequent than previously thought. In the 17-month period that the study examined, there were 111,891 prosecutions for domestic violence, and only six prosecutions for making false allegations.
This myth is extremely damaging, because the fear of being called a liar can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced.
Myth 10: Men who abuse women are mentally unwell.
Reality: There is no research that supports this myth. Abuse and violence are a choice, and there is no excuse for them. Domestic abuse happens throughout every level of society, regardless of health, wealth or status.
Myth11: Domestic abuse isn’t that common.
Reality: Research shows that 1 in 4 women will experiences abuse and on average a woman is killed by her male partner or former partner every four days in the UK. Domestic abuse has a higher rate of repeat victimisation than any other crime, and on average, the police receive over 100 emergency calls relating to domestic abuse every hour.
Myth 12: All couples argue – it’s not domestic abuse, it’s just a normal relationship.
Reality: Abuse and disagreement are not the same things. Different opinions are normal and completely acceptable in healthy relationships. Abuse is not a disagreement – it is the use of physical, sexual, emotional or psychological violence or threats to govern and control another person’s thinking, opinions, emotions and behaviour. When abuse is involved, there is no discussion between equals. There is fear of saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing.