What is Gaslighting and Love Bombing

What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser misleads their partner, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality.
Gaslighting is usually performed over an extended period of time that causes you to question the validity of your own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. This can lead to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and uncertainty of your mental stability. A common result of gaslighting is a dependency on the abuser.
How Do You Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You?
Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person's perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions.
After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. You may be encouraged to think you are to blame for something or that you're just being too sensitive.
Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health
What Are the Signs of Gaslighting?
Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns including addiction and thoughts of suicide.  For this reason, it's important to recognise when you're experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true:

• You doubt your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive.
• You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions. You have learned that sharing your opinion usually makes you feel worse in the end, so you stay silent instead.
• You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you "walk on eggshells" around your partner. You also feel on edge and lack self-esteem.
• You feel alone and powerless: You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are "strange," "crazy," or "unstable," just like the person who is gaslighting you says you are. This makes you feel trapped and isolated.
• You wonder if you are what they say you are: They use words that make you feel like you are wrong, unintelligent, inadequate, or insane. Sometimes, you even find yourself repeating these statements to yourself.
• You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become: For instance, you feel like you are weak and passive, and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.
• You feel confused: The behaviour of the person gaslighting you confuses you, so you don’t know which person they will be today, - kind and loving or mean and hurtful.
• You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimises hurtful behaviours or words by saying “I was just joking" or "you need thicker skin."
• You have a sense of impending doom: You feel like something terrible is about to happen when you are around this person. This may include feeling threatened and on edge without knowing why.
• You spend a lot of time apologising: You feel the need to apologise all the time for what you do or who you are.
• You feel inadequate: You feel like you are never "good enough." You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
• You second-guess yourself: You frequently wonder if you accurately remember the details of past events. You may have even stopped trying to share what you remember for fear that it is wrong.
• You assume others are disappointed in you: You apologise all the time for what you do or who you are, assuming people are let down by you or that you have somehow made a mistake.
• You wonder what's wrong with you: You wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you worry that you are not well mentally.
• You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself: You would rather allow your partner, friend, or family member to make decisions for you and avoid decision-making altogether.

Gaslighting Behaviours

 

Lying to You

People who engage in gaslighting are often pathological liars.  They blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you can prove they are lying.  They may say something like: "You're making things up," "That never happened," or "You're crazy”.
Their lies are very convincing, and they don’t back down when challenged even when you know they aren’t telling the truth, you start to question yourself “Maybe I’ve got it wrong”

Discrediting You

They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy." Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective and many people side with the abuser without knowing the full story.
They lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you. These people may have never said a bad thing about you, but the person who is gaslighting you will make every attempt to get you to believe they do.

Distracting You

When you ask them question or call them out for something they did or said, they may change the subject by asking a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. This not only throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they don't feel the need to respond.

Minimising Your Thoughts and Feelings

Trivialising your emotions allows them gain power over you. They might make statements like: "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive?" All of these statements minimise how you're feeling or what you're thinking and tell you that you're wrong.
When your thoughts, feelings or beliefs are never acknowledged, validated or heard it can leave you feeling isolated, ashamed and unimportant.  This is hard to cope with and can negatively impact your mental health.

Shifting Blame

Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. Even when you try to discuss how their behaviour makes you feel, they're able to twist the conversation so that you end up questioning if you are the cause of their behaviour. For example, they may claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.

Denying Wrongdoing

Abusers very rarely admit they have done anything wrong.  They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices. This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is not important. This tactic also makes it very hard for the victim to move on or to heal from the abuse.

Using Compassionate Words as Weapons

Sometimes, when called out or questioned, the abuser will use kind and loving words to try to manipulate you into forgiving them or overlooking their behaviour.   They might say something like, "You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose."  These words may be what you want to hear, but they are meaningless if the same behaviour continues.

Rewriting History

A person who gaslights tends to retell stories in ways that favour them.  For instance, if your partner shoved you agianst a wall and you are discussing it later, they may twist the story and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall.  You may begin to doubt your memory of what happened making you doubt your memory which is exactly what they want.


What is love bombing?
Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you to manipulate you into a relationship with them. It looks different for every person, but it usually involves some form of:

• Excessive flattery and praise.
• Over-communication of their feelings for you.
• Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts.
• Early and intense talks about your future together.

Love bombing tends to occur in three phases:

• The Idealisation Phase
•  During this phase, your partner bombards you with excessive love and affection to draw you in and convince you to let your guard down. At first, it may seem too good to be true or easy to be swept off your feet.
• The Devaluation Phase:
•  Once you’ve let your guard down and get comfortable in the relationship, warning signs start to appear. Your partner may try to exert control over you in a variety of ways. They may become more demanding of your time and get upset when you make plans without them. They may also try to limit access to your friends and family, and gas light you into thinking nothing is wrong with their behaviour. In the most severe cases, they may use fear and intimidation to get you to behave differently than you normally would and even resort to physical violence.
• The Discard Phase
• When you confront them about their harmful behaviour or try to reset healthy boundaries, your partner may avoid accountability by refusing to cooperate and compromise or by abandoning the relationship. This can leave you feeling confused, disoriented or like you somehow failed to fix things.

Love bombing signs

When you’re caught in a love bombing cycle, it can be hard to spot signs of trouble — but the signs are there, if you know where to look. Here are some common signs of love bombing: